While these keys were originally identified in the context of marriage, they have been found equally valid in creating other forms of "long-term stable romantic relationships". Stop snickering in the back of the class... :-)

If I ask you to imagine a laboratory, chances are you will envision long granite tables, bunsen burners, test tubes, and white coated technicians. But the laboratory set up by Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington to study marriage and what makes a long-term romantic relationship sustainable is a little bit different.

Essentially, Dr. Gottman's lab is a comfortable apartment (with one way mirrors!) where couples interact for 12 hours a day over the course of a weekend. After studying hundreds of couples in both the "apartment lab" and a more traditional facility which has become affectionately known as "the love lab", Dr. Gottman has a 90% accuracy rate in predicting divorce!

Fortunately, he has also turned his hand to identifying what makes successful marriages work, and has identified seven key traits of a happy marriage. While one or two of these may fall under the category of "duh" (key number 7 could essentially be translated as "say more nice things to each other"), many of them are surprising and remarkably easy to apply.

1. Seek Help Early
 

The average time a couple in distress waits before first seeking outside help is six years; 1/2 of the marriages which end do so in the first seven years.

Do the math, and if you need to, get outside help. In the UK, you might consider trying Relate www.relate.org.uk; I was unable to find a centralized service in the US, but found some interesting resources at www.counseling.com

2. Edit Yourself

Perhaps surprisingly, happy couples do not necessarily express everything they are feeling when they are feeling it, particularly when feeling anger.

This does not, however, have to lead to inauthenticity and partial communication. As my friends and fellow life coaches Scott Wintrip and Jay Perry say, you can learn to "say what you mean without saying it mean."

3. Soften your "Start-Up"

One of the traits that has proved a reliable indicator of the state of a marriage is how quickly an argument starts up. If you and your partner can go from calm to at each others throats faster than a sports car goes from 0 to 60, take a look at what triggers the "explosions" and do what you can to build in a pause between stimulus and response.

(The value of "counting to 10" before responding may seem to be an old wives' tale, but perhaps it explains why the women who told them were still wives, even at their age... :-)

4. Accept Influence

In what has to qualify as my wife's favorite key, Gottman's research shows that:

"A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife... A husband's ability to be persuaded by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is so crucial because, research shows, women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband is able to do so as well."

This isn't to say that you need to become a doormat for the whims of your spouse, as is borne out by key number five...

5. Have High Standards

While the research has shown that "the lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road", it's not too late to raise the bar on your relationship.

If you want to find out more about setting and enforcing boundaries within a loving relationship, check out Stand Up for Your Life by Cheryl Richardson or for a specifically Christian perspective, Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

6. Learn to Repair and Exit the Argument

In the movie "Overboard", spoiled heiress Goldie Hawn finds herself having to care for plumber Kurt Russell's five sons. When he comes home and asks how her day went, she is only capable of uttering one word - "Erp!". For several couples I know, the word "Erp!" has become their signal to one another that they have had enough (for the moment) and need a time out from even the most "productive" argument.

Set up a signal with your partner (possibly from a favorite comedy show or movie) that either of you can use to interrupt the pattern of an argument and give you both a chance to "go to the balcony" and re-evaluate the importance of what it is you are arguing about in the context of your relationship.

If it really matters, (and of course it occasionally does), you can re-start the discussion when you are feeling re-connected with one another.

7. Focus on the Bright Side

Stephen R. Covey talks about each partner in a relationship having an "emotional bank account". Happy relationships are happy at least in part because both people's emotional bank accounts are in credit.

Find out from your partner what constitutes a deposit (often kind words and supportive actions) and what constitutes a withdrawal. As a general rule, seek to make at least five deposits for every withdrawal, and be aware that if things haven't been going well for a while, it may take some time for you to pay off your emotional overdraft!

Today's Experiment:
 

A simple if not necessarily easy experiment today - discuss the seven keys with your partner! Listen to understand, speak to be understood, and come up with an action plan to implement the seven keys into your relationship, starting today.

For more information, (and some really fun self-tests!), visit www.gottman.com or check out The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Have fun, learn heaps, and if all else fails, just love them!

Until next time,
Michael