People enter into partnerships with optimism and good will. Partnerships often turn sour because ineffective patterns of relating become habitual and lead to a gradual withdrawal of esteem and caring for each other.

1. Avoid conflict

Avoided conflict requires repression of anger, which leads to depression of feelings. A genuinely passionate partnership requires conflict, not terminal niceness or withdrawal.

2. Avoid each other

Occasional withdrawal is healthy. Habitually withdrawal (stonewalling) is death to partnership.

3. Escalate

Conflict, skillfully handled, is one of the keys to a great relationship. Conflict out of control is an excuse for physical, verbal, or psychological abuse. I coach people to take turns being angry, and when both partners are angry, take a time out.

4. Criticize

Habitually speaking (or thinking) criticism is hard on a relationship. Criticism is usually a sign of that the criticizing partner has some personal development work to do. I coach that it is OK to complain, but not OK to criticize.

5. Show contempt

Contempt is criticism escalated to outright mental abuse.

6. React defensively

Fear is natural. Defensiveness naturally accompanies fear. Skillful partnering requires practicing techniques that allow me to drop the defensiveness despite my fear.

7. Deny responsibility

When I deny my responsibility for my part of the issue, I wind up blaming my partner and trying to change him or her.

8. Rewrite history

Remembering mainly the negative experiences in a partnership is a predictor for future problems. All partnerships have their difficult spots. Partners that stay together are proud of their ability to weather the stormy seas and are warmed by their memories of the happy times spent on tropical beaches.

9. Refuse to get help

Partnership coaching and willingness works!

10. Believe that changing partners is the solution

People may go through several partners while repeatedly avoiding the same basic issues. We naturally choose partners that push our buttons for our personal development. Refusing to learn the requisite lesson requires another repetition.

About the Submitter:

Submitted by Marty Crouch, who can be reached at marty@partnercoach.com , or visited on the web at www.dailydialogue.com . The original source is: Life experience and James Gottman Ph.D.

Copyright 2000 by Thomas J. Leonard.  May be distributed if full attribution is given and copyright notice is included.

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